Daring to Share Essence vs Ego

Updated: Jun 17, 2019

Summer Spiritual Sanctuary

Some might call this my summer office, but that word takes me to a feeling of work and writing and away from my intention of creating the energy for creativity and storytelling; the difference between the two, being busy versus purposeful. So, I prefer to call this my Summer Spiritual Sanctuary, a place where I am inspired to move towards the free-flow feeling that comes from being and thinking creatively, rather than, being motivated to work in order to get stuff done.

I recently moved through an uncomfortable situation, one that even some of my closest friends and family have not been privy to the extent of trauma I experienced within it. After moving through it, I took a lot of time and energy determining why I was so greatly affected by what happened over this period of time. What I determined was that my turmoil wasn't created by the chaos of the series of events on the outside of my life, but rather by the misalignment of the way I showed up within the indecisiveness in my soul. I chose to forfeit listening to my creative essence within purpose in order to follow my pattern of overwork for the sake of being busy.

I know better than to ignore my essence as it screams at me during ambiguous moments. I know better than to justify the betrayal of my authentic self. I know better than to show up within the temptations of shoulds that tease my ego and beg me to be someone I'm not. So, why did I ignore my soul, betray my values and succumb to self-deception?

After years of self-evolution, I know the answer is that I am a product of a lifetime of programming engrained in my brain telling me I lack love, acceptance, and worthiness. In other words, my ego tells me that unless I am part of something bigger and more than what I am or have or do, I am not enough. Work = Validation. Such rubbish, and yet, with the greatest of forces, every now and again, it manages to pull me into the tornado of a massive U-turn away from my creative source. Luckily, I get a big jolt of reality at some point in the form of ill-health, feelings of disconnect and the biggest trade-off of knowing that I have jumped into the pit of self-deception. As painful as this awareness is, it thankfully moves me to choose the transition back to what is real and right for me, back inline with leading inline with my essence or my Authentic Self.

Wisdom. I recently absorbed the sharing of stories of wisdom by two pretty inspiration individuals at Balanced Well Being's Storytelling Tuesdays here in Kelowna BC. The first storyteller was Candace Chisholm, founder of SheChangedIt and many other amazing movements. Candace shared her perception of the Business of Busy and how it impacted her life and, in particular, her health. My take on her story was that her busy mirrored my work; it's not necessarily about how much we do in a day, but about how we show up within what we do.

The other was Josh Holt, a young man discovering who he is and what is important to him as he moves through his time on this earth. I was moved by his free spirit and way of thinking about time and how he chooses to spend it and be within it. My interpretation is that perhaps we need to spend less energy thinking about how much time we are spending within an experience and, instead, focus on being present within the experiences we are spending our time on.

Both stories left me feeling inspired, as well as, conflicted. My creative free-flow mind resonated with being less busy and more present and purposeful, while my logical chaotic mind went to work mode and getting shit done in a timely manner Either way, I am of the mindset that my world needs to consist of showing up mostly within my Right Brain (Creativity) while bringing in just enough of my Left Brain (Cognitive) so that I don't just create and not produce; I believe that both ways of being need to dance together to create feelings of ease, gratitude, and purpose.

Balance. I welcome the ego that keeps me in check reminding me that NOTHING real comes without the reminder of my past thoughts and lessons. And, I embrace the essence that guides me to my truth and slows me down in order to breathe between the deep deceitful dives I take, but occur less and less within the wisdom I am accumulating through less time spent within the chaos of work and busyness and more time spent being present and creative.

So, having sat here in my Summer Spiritual Sanctuary after hours absorbing the mountains, the trees and sky I am grateful for the creative flow I received in order to share my thoughts and feelings; my perception. I equally welcome logical thinking that provides me with the space I need to get mundane tasks done and tells me to get the hell out of the heat as the 3 pm sun moves in upon my balcony making it unbearable to sit on; dis-ease and chaotic thinking for me. The comfort of my Sanctuary has transitioned to discomfort; time to move inside to the comfort of my air-conditioned home. Gratitude